"He Woke Me Up Again"

If you know me, I am pretty skeptical about a lot of things, especially anything labelled "miraculous." I can handle "supernatural," because natural and supernatural are hard to distinguish sometimes. God is so involved in life that it's hard to say anything is completely "natural." At least, that's how I see it.

Anyway, that's all to say that I know I'm about to sound crazy. I have to share, though, because this affected me so much. I had one of the scariest and most fulfilling dreams last night. "Fulfilling" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but I can't think of a better one. In my dream I was feeling down and I could see that I was acting immature, but I couldn't keep myself from being that way. I went to my room and laid on the floor and started crying, and then I heard something say my name. It wasn't a "miraculous" voice really. It just said "Dori, I love you." And it's like my whole soul said, "Finally!" And I turned and I started to see feet, but I didn't look up. I was just at those feet and I wanted to be closer. I woke up and I was sooo afraid. All I could think was, "Jesus, please don't really show up! I couldn't handle that!" That's horrible to say isn't it? I was just so scared!

I'm not saying that I heard God's voice, but I definitely believe that He spoke to me through that. I can't tell you how much that went to my heart. I mean, it wasn't just a scary, emotional dream.. I can't really explain it. It's just crazy, because these past few weeks I have been talking about how I have never been able see God as loving and I have a hard time accepting that. It's just weird. I guess I could explain it all away, but I'm not even going to try.

Anyway. I've been doing so much better lately, praise God. It really helps, being the environment-sponge that I am, to listen to music that puts my focus on the truth. I made a "My Favorite Mostly-Happy Hymns" mix. Here 'tis!

1. "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" -Lyndsey Wallace
2. "I Surrender All" -Caedmon's Call
3. "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus." -from the Smoky Mountain Hymns album
4. "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." -The Bluegrass Gospel Group
5. "I'd Rather Have Jesus." -Alison Krauss (I love Alison Krauss)
6. "I'll Fly Away" -Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch
7. "In the Highways" -The Peasall Sisters
8. "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" -Sara Groves
9. "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" -Chris Tomlin
10. "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" -Arizona Dranes
11. "Glory to His Name" -Wes & Evangeline Homner (this is the song my Georgia youth group always sang)
12. "Wherever He Leads I'll Go" -Common Destiny
13. "Trust and Obey" -Round Up (a folk band from Australia, this song has meant a lot to me lately)
14. "O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus" -Selah (probably my favorite hymn in general)

Everybody should own such a mix. If not this one exactly, at least all your favorite hymns put together. It's really quite happy.

Well, only 18 days left in good old America!

Hittin the Road!

I'm excited to see my friends tomorrow. I wish Toccoa was not quite so far away, or I would probably go every weekend. And I wish there was enough time to do everything with everybody! I'd go out to Java with Katie and maybe watch a little "24." I'd go on a hike with Meredith and then watch a little "Father Ted." And I would definitely take my bike on beaver dam for a while.

After work, I'm going to take off as fast as I can. Probably jam to some tunes that remind me of last year, like Over the Rhine, Of Montreal, and Sufjan's "Hark! Songs for Christmas." Pretty much stuff that Meredith got me hooked on. (And if those links don't work, it's not my fault, my blogger's just crazy).

Besides getting ready for the trip to Georgia, I've been diggin some art by Gustav Klimt and Marc Chagall, and some sermons by Frederick W. Robertson, a preacher from Brighton during the 1800's.

"Fulfillment" Gustav Klimt "Der Sparziergang" Marc Chagall

"Birthday" Marc Chagall

They are paving part of the road in Havelock and it is causing pandemonium because people will try to turn left where it is obviously impossible and I had to honk my horn twice today. I thought to myself, "We wouldn't be having this problem in Arequipa!" The people there would not even hesitate to jump out into the traffic.

My mom told me last night that I seem happier these days. That surprised the heck out of me because I thought I'd been extra emotionally unstable, leaning toward suicidal, but then when I thought about it, it is kind of true. (That was a joke, by the way, about being suicidal). I find the people around me much more enjoyable lately, and not just my friends and family, but the people in my city and at my church. There was a Senior Saints luncheon today because it is the first Monday of the month, and usually I go over to eat with Pastor Ray and Ms Ginny or David and Frances VanPatten, but today I sat down at a table with people I didn't know. I wasn't planning on staying there, I just came in late and needed to sit down. But then I thought, what's the point in leaving? And it ended up being really nice. I didn't even know some of those ladies knew who I was. They were so encouraging and I think one couple was at our table and didn't know anybody either and so I talked to them a bit.

These people in my church have so much to give and need so much and I just figure they wouldn't want to talk to me. I still see myself as a kid mostly. But I don't know what the difference is now. I just don't feel as intimidated about talking to them. And more than that, I actually really care about them. I like this feeling.

After reading Mark's (markelkins.blogspot.com) post on self-reflection, I am both inspired to write one of my own and discouraged because he articulates so well.

The short of it is, my name is Dori and I am a people pleaser. It has infected nearly every part of me and it sucks. There is only one person whose opinion of me really matters, and I have been weighing everyone else's advice equally with His.

So, for a while I am going to just stop. If you want to reach me, pray for me. Like nobody's business. I'm fasting from my over-indulgence of approval. (Although, I haven't really been getting all that much, haha).

Hasta Luego.

God, make me more like Dirty Harry.

I feel frozen with fear. The devil, that bastard. He's not going to run me down. God is my strength, He is enough for me.

I was watching The Enforcer yesterday and Dirty Harry is everything I feel like I'm not. God, please make me more like him. Give me a rocket gun and teach me how to use it. I want to blast the devil to pieces.

The Critic by Norman Rockwell

Hanging in There

I'm loving life, overall, but I must confess that at times I've been battling the blues, and the red (devil, that is). I'd sure like to go to Peru!

I've added pictures to my webshots, so check em out!

Recovery

My dad is doing really great now, I guess. He went to work yesterday, we ate some pizza, and today on his day off he is cleaning out the garage. My mom thinks it's okay, but I can't help but wonder if these things might not be so good for him considering he was just in the hospital two days ago for chest pain. Hopefully, we'll get some results back from his tests and we'll know what was wrong with him.

I have been thinking about different heroes of the Bible lately and the sin and repentance they went through. I think that when we are taught those stories in church and at home, we don't think about the severity of the consequences. We say the words but we don't slow down to think about what they would have experienced, and without thinking about that, we cannot fully realize the kind of faith and trust they had in their relationship with God.

Like David, for example. When he took Bathsheba as a wife and God took the son that they had together, David mourned for a time and then he put off his grief. But if you think about the pain that must have come from that, and all of the doubt of himself and God. How could he still have confidence in himself as a decision maker and in the goodness of God? Man. It's incredible.

It's the same with Abraham and Ishmael. (I can't get away from this illustration, I guess). Abraham sent him away. It's not like he accepted the fact that Isaac was the chosen one and he lived with the both of them. He sent away his first born son (and I only mean that in the literal sense that he was the first son born to him).

Sometimes we think of these people in the Bible as so different because we don't even try to relate. But God wants to do even greater things in our time, in His kingdom. I am really trying to let God do this in me.


P.S. I've enabled this so that you, whoever you may be reading this, can leave comments. I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts.

My Dad.

That's all of us but Ross. My dad went to the ER today for chest pain, and it's not the first time that's happened, so he's probably okay. It just worries me. He said the pain got up to about a 7 out of 10. They put him on morphine and stuff. So, please pray for him. It made me think about how little I talk to my dad or listen to him and that really stinks. We spent a little time alone together while we were waiting for my mom to get there and it was nice. He gave me advice and told me about him and my mom when they were first out of college.

My dad was going to go to Moody Bible Institute for missionary aviation. But then my mom graduated college and his parents and their pastor told them that didn't seem like the right thing for them and they gave it up. My mom said they barely even thought about it. She took a teaching job and he flew planes for the military. I won't say what advice my dad gave me. That was such a nice moment for me, I'll just keep it to myself.

He's going to New Bern Medical Center to stay the night tonight and then have a stress test tomorrow. Please please pray for him because I don't know what I'd do if it was anything serious.

My mom just called me and she's insane. She told me she thinks I need to go back to Peru to think about things. Like, Thursday. I don't know about that. I might just hide away in the mountains of Georgia for the weekend. That would make a little more sense. But then, really, nothing makes sense.

Recommended listening for the day: Michael Card, "God's Own Fool."

"Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

This is a new page for me. A new way of thinking. It's not really that I am a new person, because that happened years ago. It's the newer version of me. I am just closer to being the real, complete, unihibited Dori. And praise God.

What opened my eyes? It is really hard to say. I had a dream of what my life would be like and I thought I could see the way God was leading me to it. Then, when that way was cut off, I gave up. I've been living in this give-up state for a couple years. But then, God cracked the door and let me catch a look at what could be. I went to Peru and it lit me up. I know that is what God made me for; I can't explain why it excites me, but it does.

Now, I'm just going through the process of letting things go. It hurts. Like my friends in Peru say, I've got an Ishmael because I couldn't wait for Isaac. And to quit being so vague and metaphorical, I just broke the relationship between me and my boyfriend. We were going to get married. We had looked at rings and I had "Dori McKain" on my cell phone. But I just know, he didn't have my whole heart. I couldn't give him what he needs as a man of God. I know that God will bless him. He has been wronged, but I have to trust him in God's hands.

I'm getting my mind and family and friends prepared for this January. I plan to leave home and live in Peru. What a freakin adventure. God, You are crazy. But You are so good.

God wants to light you up inside. Don't settle.