"He Woke Me Up Again"

If you know me, I am pretty skeptical about a lot of things, especially anything labelled "miraculous." I can handle "supernatural," because natural and supernatural are hard to distinguish sometimes. God is so involved in life that it's hard to say anything is completely "natural." At least, that's how I see it.

Anyway, that's all to say that I know I'm about to sound crazy. I have to share, though, because this affected me so much. I had one of the scariest and most fulfilling dreams last night. "Fulfilling" isn't really the word I'm looking for, but I can't think of a better one. In my dream I was feeling down and I could see that I was acting immature, but I couldn't keep myself from being that way. I went to my room and laid on the floor and started crying, and then I heard something say my name. It wasn't a "miraculous" voice really. It just said "Dori, I love you." And it's like my whole soul said, "Finally!" And I turned and I started to see feet, but I didn't look up. I was just at those feet and I wanted to be closer. I woke up and I was sooo afraid. All I could think was, "Jesus, please don't really show up! I couldn't handle that!" That's horrible to say isn't it? I was just so scared!

I'm not saying that I heard God's voice, but I definitely believe that He spoke to me through that. I can't tell you how much that went to my heart. I mean, it wasn't just a scary, emotional dream.. I can't really explain it. It's just crazy, because these past few weeks I have been talking about how I have never been able see God as loving and I have a hard time accepting that. It's just weird. I guess I could explain it all away, but I'm not even going to try.

Anyway. I've been doing so much better lately, praise God. It really helps, being the environment-sponge that I am, to listen to music that puts my focus on the truth. I made a "My Favorite Mostly-Happy Hymns" mix. Here 'tis!

1. "Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus" -Lyndsey Wallace
2. "I Surrender All" -Caedmon's Call
3. "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus." -from the Smoky Mountain Hymns album
4. "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." -The Bluegrass Gospel Group
5. "I'd Rather Have Jesus." -Alison Krauss (I love Alison Krauss)
6. "I'll Fly Away" -Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch
7. "In the Highways" -The Peasall Sisters
8. "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" -Sara Groves
9. "Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" -Chris Tomlin
10. "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go" -Arizona Dranes
11. "Glory to His Name" -Wes & Evangeline Homner (this is the song my Georgia youth group always sang)
12. "Wherever He Leads I'll Go" -Common Destiny
13. "Trust and Obey" -Round Up (a folk band from Australia, this song has meant a lot to me lately)
14. "O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus" -Selah (probably my favorite hymn in general)

Everybody should own such a mix. If not this one exactly, at least all your favorite hymns put together. It's really quite happy.

Well, only 18 days left in good old America!

Hittin the Road!

I'm excited to see my friends tomorrow. I wish Toccoa was not quite so far away, or I would probably go every weekend. And I wish there was enough time to do everything with everybody! I'd go out to Java with Katie and maybe watch a little "24." I'd go on a hike with Meredith and then watch a little "Father Ted." And I would definitely take my bike on beaver dam for a while.

After work, I'm going to take off as fast as I can. Probably jam to some tunes that remind me of last year, like Over the Rhine, Of Montreal, and Sufjan's "Hark! Songs for Christmas." Pretty much stuff that Meredith got me hooked on. (And if those links don't work, it's not my fault, my blogger's just crazy).

Besides getting ready for the trip to Georgia, I've been diggin some art by Gustav Klimt and Marc Chagall, and some sermons by Frederick W. Robertson, a preacher from Brighton during the 1800's.

"Fulfillment" Gustav Klimt "Der Sparziergang" Marc Chagall

"Birthday" Marc Chagall

They are paving part of the road in Havelock and it is causing pandemonium because people will try to turn left where it is obviously impossible and I had to honk my horn twice today. I thought to myself, "We wouldn't be having this problem in Arequipa!" The people there would not even hesitate to jump out into the traffic.

My mom told me last night that I seem happier these days. That surprised the heck out of me because I thought I'd been extra emotionally unstable, leaning toward suicidal, but then when I thought about it, it is kind of true. (That was a joke, by the way, about being suicidal). I find the people around me much more enjoyable lately, and not just my friends and family, but the people in my city and at my church. There was a Senior Saints luncheon today because it is the first Monday of the month, and usually I go over to eat with Pastor Ray and Ms Ginny or David and Frances VanPatten, but today I sat down at a table with people I didn't know. I wasn't planning on staying there, I just came in late and needed to sit down. But then I thought, what's the point in leaving? And it ended up being really nice. I didn't even know some of those ladies knew who I was. They were so encouraging and I think one couple was at our table and didn't know anybody either and so I talked to them a bit.

These people in my church have so much to give and need so much and I just figure they wouldn't want to talk to me. I still see myself as a kid mostly. But I don't know what the difference is now. I just don't feel as intimidated about talking to them. And more than that, I actually really care about them. I like this feeling.