After reading Mark's (markelkins.blogspot.com) post on self-reflection, I am both inspired to write one of my own and discouraged because he articulates so well.

The short of it is, my name is Dori and I am a people pleaser. It has infected nearly every part of me and it sucks. There is only one person whose opinion of me really matters, and I have been weighing everyone else's advice equally with His.

So, for a while I am going to just stop. If you want to reach me, pray for me. Like nobody's business. I'm fasting from my over-indulgence of approval. (Although, I haven't really been getting all that much, haha).

Hasta Luego.

God, make me more like Dirty Harry.

I feel frozen with fear. The devil, that bastard. He's not going to run me down. God is my strength, He is enough for me.

I was watching The Enforcer yesterday and Dirty Harry is everything I feel like I'm not. God, please make me more like him. Give me a rocket gun and teach me how to use it. I want to blast the devil to pieces.

The Critic by Norman Rockwell

Hanging in There

I'm loving life, overall, but I must confess that at times I've been battling the blues, and the red (devil, that is). I'd sure like to go to Peru!

I've added pictures to my webshots, so check em out!

Recovery

My dad is doing really great now, I guess. He went to work yesterday, we ate some pizza, and today on his day off he is cleaning out the garage. My mom thinks it's okay, but I can't help but wonder if these things might not be so good for him considering he was just in the hospital two days ago for chest pain. Hopefully, we'll get some results back from his tests and we'll know what was wrong with him.

I have been thinking about different heroes of the Bible lately and the sin and repentance they went through. I think that when we are taught those stories in church and at home, we don't think about the severity of the consequences. We say the words but we don't slow down to think about what they would have experienced, and without thinking about that, we cannot fully realize the kind of faith and trust they had in their relationship with God.

Like David, for example. When he took Bathsheba as a wife and God took the son that they had together, David mourned for a time and then he put off his grief. But if you think about the pain that must have come from that, and all of the doubt of himself and God. How could he still have confidence in himself as a decision maker and in the goodness of God? Man. It's incredible.

It's the same with Abraham and Ishmael. (I can't get away from this illustration, I guess). Abraham sent him away. It's not like he accepted the fact that Isaac was the chosen one and he lived with the both of them. He sent away his first born son (and I only mean that in the literal sense that he was the first son born to him).

Sometimes we think of these people in the Bible as so different because we don't even try to relate. But God wants to do even greater things in our time, in His kingdom. I am really trying to let God do this in me.


P.S. I've enabled this so that you, whoever you may be reading this, can leave comments. I wouldn't mind hearing your thoughts.

My Dad.

That's all of us but Ross. My dad went to the ER today for chest pain, and it's not the first time that's happened, so he's probably okay. It just worries me. He said the pain got up to about a 7 out of 10. They put him on morphine and stuff. So, please pray for him. It made me think about how little I talk to my dad or listen to him and that really stinks. We spent a little time alone together while we were waiting for my mom to get there and it was nice. He gave me advice and told me about him and my mom when they were first out of college.

My dad was going to go to Moody Bible Institute for missionary aviation. But then my mom graduated college and his parents and their pastor told them that didn't seem like the right thing for them and they gave it up. My mom said they barely even thought about it. She took a teaching job and he flew planes for the military. I won't say what advice my dad gave me. That was such a nice moment for me, I'll just keep it to myself.

He's going to New Bern Medical Center to stay the night tonight and then have a stress test tomorrow. Please please pray for him because I don't know what I'd do if it was anything serious.

My mom just called me and she's insane. She told me she thinks I need to go back to Peru to think about things. Like, Thursday. I don't know about that. I might just hide away in the mountains of Georgia for the weekend. That would make a little more sense. But then, really, nothing makes sense.

Recommended listening for the day: Michael Card, "God's Own Fool."

"Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."

This is a new page for me. A new way of thinking. It's not really that I am a new person, because that happened years ago. It's the newer version of me. I am just closer to being the real, complete, unihibited Dori. And praise God.

What opened my eyes? It is really hard to say. I had a dream of what my life would be like and I thought I could see the way God was leading me to it. Then, when that way was cut off, I gave up. I've been living in this give-up state for a couple years. But then, God cracked the door and let me catch a look at what could be. I went to Peru and it lit me up. I know that is what God made me for; I can't explain why it excites me, but it does.

Now, I'm just going through the process of letting things go. It hurts. Like my friends in Peru say, I've got an Ishmael because I couldn't wait for Isaac. And to quit being so vague and metaphorical, I just broke the relationship between me and my boyfriend. We were going to get married. We had looked at rings and I had "Dori McKain" on my cell phone. But I just know, he didn't have my whole heart. I couldn't give him what he needs as a man of God. I know that God will bless him. He has been wronged, but I have to trust him in God's hands.

I'm getting my mind and family and friends prepared for this January. I plan to leave home and live in Peru. What a freakin adventure. God, You are crazy. But You are so good.

God wants to light you up inside. Don't settle.